photo credit: gabyu

The Pick: Raymond Kopa played many, many games for Stade Reims. I consider him France’s “Iron Horse” even though (1) that phrase sounds like an oxymoron and (2) he does not have a terrible disease named after him like Lou Gehrig (yet). He also had a prolific international career, and in 1958 he was awarded the Golden Ball as the top player in the World Cup (where France finished 3rd). Though he didn’t win it all, some say his play in ’58 was the best ever.

The Flick: Kopa was electrified during that entire tournament, as was his partner in crime, Just Fontaine, who I – the Bard – spoke a soliloquoy about a few weeks ago. I bet Ray wishes he and Just could go back in time with Doc Brown for another chance at that championship. That would make a great movie. But, who would play Kopa in my fictional Back to the Future ripoff? Well, how about an actor from the original who looks almost exactly like Kopa. Crispin Glover. 

The Limerick: Creepy! Kopa’s casting was a kick in the nuts, now here is a poem by a putz:

Kopa’s career ensured he could always “walk tall”

Which is ironic because the mid was quite small

But call him short

And he will retort

That you can kiss his Golden Ball

photo credit: gabyu

The Pick: When Cristiano Ronaldo was still in diapers, Luis Figo was already playing some serious soccer for Portgual. Well, I guess that is assuming Ronaldo still doesn’t wear diapers (his answer would probably be “um, it depends“). Figo’s prolific passing and scoring (127 games and 32 goals for his Nats) were matched only by his endless stamina and tenacity (+800 pro matches for European giants like Barca, Real Madrid and Inter). He’s a star.

The Flick: He won the 2001 Ballon D’Or, and he did it with style and grace. He would be higher up on this list for sure, but he never could lead Portugal to any serious hardware. So, who should play Figo in my fictional bio-pic? Well, if you ask me, there is really only one man who can capture the sex god that is Figo, and that’s Henry Winkler. Huh? Let me explain. I am talking about Happy Days Fonzie-era Winkler who looked almost exactly like Figo in his prime.

We’ll have to work on his accent. 

The Limerick: OK, I will admit right now, that casting was a catastrophe. Here’s a rhyme:

Figo circled the globe like a soccer Magellan

But few know of the treasure he stole like a felon

He lifted the booty

When he met a cutey

An STO WAG of the World, my goddess Helen

photo credit: michale

The Pick: Ronalidhino is one of the world’s most famous soccer players. People know him for his stylish play, which has resulted in a World Cup win (2002). People know him for his nose for the net, which is evidenced by his +30 goals for Brazil and +120 goals for pro clubs (mostly Barca and Milan). For a while there before the emergence of Messi and Ronaldo, Ronaldhino was pretty much “the Face” of soccer. And it is such a strange face, isn’t it? The man is plain ugly.

The Flick: I know, I have no room to talk. But, seriously, Ronaldhino looks beastly, which is probably why he plays like a beast. In fact, I think it’s ironic that Sir Ron of Brazil is one of “the most beautiful players of his generation on the pitch” (i.e. dribbling, passing, scoring), but hard to look at off of it. This is your “Face”, soccer! Pick a better one. So, what legendary actor keeps getting his face (and other stuff) plastered on film posters and is considered as ugly as sin?

Yep, I’m going with Ron Jeremy…

The Limerick: I think he has the hair to pull it off. No, not the hair down… nevermind:

 Legendary players are known by only one name

Ronaldhino is one, but did vices tame his fame?   

He clubbed ’til morn

Then made a porn

And he never left a party before he came

photo credit: Arturo J. Paniagua

The Pick: The Bard is back, and I have a soliloquoy for you tonight about Spain’s most spectacular striker ever, Raul. He’s plied his trade in La Liga for Real Madrid for over 550 games and he has scored in nearly half of them. He’s quite a collector of hardware (6 La Liga titles, 3 Champion’s League trophies) and he loves supporting his county (44 goals). In fact, he is so good that he is the all-time top scorer for (1) Spain, (2) La Liga, and (3) the Champion’s League. 

The Flick: So, why is he down here at #63? Well, although Raul scored in each of the three World Cups he played in, he also sometimes looked lost during those tourneys. He never won the Rimet, and that hurts you a good deal in my mind (and ranking formula). But, maybe I am wrong. You know who isn’t wrong for the part of Raul in my bio-flick? Nestor Carbonell. He looks a lot like him and he is very good at acting like he is immortal and “Lost” at the same time.

The Limerick: I don’t have the time to explain “Lost”, but here is a rhyme at no cost:

If a defense is butter, Raul is a steak knife

Madrid’s sharp utensil has a ”contract for life”

‘Tis a very good deal

He’ll never appeal

Unlike that “contract for strife” with his wife

Ladies and Gentlemen–your odds-on favorite to win the Spanish Primera Division and the Champion’s League next year–Barcelona!

I just wrote about their desire to sign David Villa and now he has been signed.  I know that Barca was moving fast–but I didn’t know they moved that fast!

Villa signed a 4-year contract for 34.2 million Euros.  That’s not bad for someone who is going to a team that has a superstar on it already.  Now, does this mean that Barca is trying to create a 2-or-3-headed-monster with people who can run alongside Leo Messi?  I think so.

They also want Cesc Fabregas, but his fate is in the hands of Arsenal because of his contract.  Plus, Barca indicated how badly they wanted him by saying:

”It’s great news that he wants to come here and I think that one day Cesc will have to come to Barca. But what matters is Arsenal and what their decision is.:

”They think he is a very important player for them. We have to respect that. At times the wishes of players do not come true because they are under contract. That he says that he wants to come to Barca is a synonym that things are being done well here.”

”I don’t know when but I have the impression that he is a Barca (style) player and that he will enjoy it very much. I wish it was as soon as possible. But we have to respect Arsenal’s wishes and the contract he has.”

Basically, they want the “Three Amigos” like the Boston Celtics have.  If one guy has a bad game then another one will step up.  I know that going undefeated is unrealistic but it seems like Barca is moving in that direction.  If they always have a “safety valve” then they won’t ever have to be “in trouble” until the final whistle sounds.

Not a bad deal, eh?

photo credit: rmoriz

The Pick: In Brazil, two things are plentiful: beautiful women and seductive men who play the world’s most beautiful game. One of the most entertaining Brazilian footballers ever was Jairzinho, or as I will call him for brevity’s sake, JZ. JZ was one of the silkiest assist men the game had ever seen, but he also could put the ball in the back of the net (+200 for club and +30 for Brazil). His contribution to Brazil’s 1970 World Cup win also makes him a great candidate. 

The Flick: So, if he is so special, why isn’t he closer to the top spot? Well, his stats don’t stand up as well as some others all-time, and even though he was great, the man he replaced for both club and country, Garrincha, was probably greater. He almost filled his shoes, which is admirable, but he still ends up second fiddle. Hey, this guy even lost the Golden Boot in ’70 despite scoring in every game. So, what actor has put in entertaining performances but never accepted an Academy Award.

Will Smith.

He has the talent, and “Ali” proved he can grow the necessary ‘fro. 

The Limerick: Seriously, the ‘fro was so great, it could be a character in its own right:

Jairzinho was a player known to abstain

He said “no” to champagne and “not tonight” to cocaine

But he loved ladies twiggy

And only sought their jiggy

So the poor piggies called him ”The Hurricane”

Barca gets Valladolid, Madrid get Malaga.  They kickoff at the same time on Sunday and they both have the same thing in mind–the Spanish Primera Division Championship.  Who wins?

Well, if both teams win them Barca takes home the title.  If Barca draws and Madrid wins then Madrid takes home the title.  It’s win or die for Barca and they hold their destiny in their own hands.

This will show us alot–not just about Barca or Madrid–but about Argentina and Portugal.  Leo Messi pulls out a win with Barca and they win La Liga–then we can fully expect him to take that momentum into the World Cup.

Let’s say Cristiano Ronaldo does something miraculous–maybe Barca loses and somehow Real Madrid wins La Liga–perhaps we can expect the Portuguese to do something special at the World Cup?

I don’t trust Ronaldo as a leader, but he can turn it around at any time.

If either one of them loses and there’s the shame that comes with that–on the last day of the season–then perhaps they will be even MORE motivated to perform well in South Africa?

I suppose we could also posit that they would just fade in the summer–because that makes the season EVEN LONGER and they just fizzle out in group play.

I know we’re talking about Argentina–marginal except for Messi just because of the troubles they’ve had recently–and Portugal–marginal except for Ronaldo and pretty lucky to be in the World Cup.  However, either one of these teams could bottle up what happens at the end of the La Liga season and really do something with in South Africa.

I think we’d all especially like to see this coming from Messi and Argentina–a return to greatness with Diego Maradona on the sidelines.

The current greastest bringing the former greatest back to glory?

Anything is possible!

photo credit: prettyfriendship

photo credit: Lordcolus

The Pick: Eric Cantona, how do I laugh at thee fiery temperament, let me count the ways. I laughed that one time when you picked up that ball and used it as a dodgeball against a referee. I laughed when you showed up to appeal a disciplinary ruling once and – instead of defending your actions – personally called each of the people judging your case an “idiot.” And I laughed that time you scissor-kicked a supporter of another side for speaking to you.

The Flick: Wait, that last one really isn’t funny. I think that one kung fu kick cost Cantona a great deal. Because of that one asinine assault, many people probably think that I should have left King Eric off my 100 seat throne. Well, I couldn’t deny his royal lineage when I looked at his princely scoring ability, 131 goals in 369 pro games and 20 goals in 45 international games for Les Bleus. He also won four Prem titles. So, what actor should play Eric in my bio-film? 

I need a prolific actor who is known for both his talent and tirades…

Casting Commissioner Gordon, send up the Christian Bale star signal.

The Limerick: Bale is a great actor, but I am an even better Bard:  

 Opposing managers are desperate to learn all Sir Alex’s tricks

 The only one ever revealed though was due to Cantona’s antics 

So Fergie schools Man U

In not soccer, but kung fu?

Ah, that’s how those damned Red Devils get their kicks!

He just won a match for you and yet the fans are still mad at Kaka.  I’m not sure why but I think I have an answer–as ridiculous as it may sound.

He’s had to talk about this alot lately:

“I’ve spent many years in the world of football, but the worst is that they doubt my injury. I only ask that the fans don’t doubt my injury.

“I’ve felt very sad recently for the things that have been said about me. It’s not true that I refused to take medication, delaying my recovery, because I’ve taken medication to play in this game.”

“Also, it’s not true I was thinking of Brazil and the World Cup. Right now I’m focused on Madrid.”

“I’m much better, but I still have to continue working. I had 15 or 20 minutes (against Zaragoza) and little by little I’m improving my fitness. The most important thing of all though was the victory.”

Somehow, Cristiano Ronaldo has built a device that causes the fans of Real Madrid to hate Kaka and love him instead.  I can’t understand how this happened.  I never pegged Ronaldo for an evil genius, but there is no other explanation for this–unless the Real Madrid fan base is more “Cubs-like” and they don’t really care about Soccer and they just want to be entertained.

How can you be mad at a guy whose really hurt and not say a word to Ronaldo for being a selfish playboy who only plays for himself and has yet to do anything close to leadership this entire season?  Am I missing something?  Because, from where I’m standing, he‘s just out there doing his own thing while the rest of the team tries to run around him in a circle and hope for something to happen.

Please get your priorities straight in Madrid.  IF you want to hate someone–hate your non-leader.  Ronaldo.

photo credit: !leahpar

For someone who just got to Madrid about a year ago Cristiano Ronaldo seems to be awfully interested in shaking the foundations of Real Madrid every time he opens his mouth.  I’ve already blasted him in this space for saying that he wouldn’t mind having Jose Mourinho as his coach–even though Manuel Pellegrini is still employed in Madrid.

Well, now he seems to think that ole Manuel is alright.  I mean, he must be swell, right?

“I am going to be sincere.  I like coaches with winning mentalities, but it is with Pellegrini that I find myself most happy. I hope he stays for two or three more years. The other coaches do not concern me.”

“We have gotten better over the past two weeks and everything is possible. We are only one point off the leaders.  I am confident that we will win our last five matches and be proclaimed champions. We are focused and our priority is to win. If we do, we will celebrate very well.”

“For me, the most important thing of all is the team, although I respect every person.  The individual aspects are secondary. If the team wins, I am happy.”

I love how he started with, “I’ll be sincere” since he hasn’t been that all season.  Plus, now he wants Pellegrini to stay another 2 to 3 years.  Why 2 to 3 years?  You mean two to three years until you get tired of him for real?  If I were Pellegrini that wouldn’t inspire much confidence in the best player on my team.

Moreover, he says he respects everyone in the organization?  Honestly, he clearly only respects himself and that’s ok–just be honest about it.  Just tell us you’re a selfish player and let that be that.

Honesty goes a long way and it would in Madrid as well.  This is going to be a long couple of years for Pellegrini.

photo credit: Eric Caballero